After two hospitalizations for severe depression, I took a medical leave of absence from college. I will not be graduating this spring with my friends. The gap year has been painful and complex, but I have learned some lessons that helped me to keep going.
Here are some recommendations for those struggling with depression or a new schedule.
Remember to have “Forever Moments in Mind”
When I was at my worst with depression, I started to look for moments I wanted to be present for the rest of my life. These moments gave me happiness as brief as shooting stars or sparks that fly out of the burning firewood. They opened up in front of me new worlds I had never dreamt of.
The moments that were captured are:
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I was in the car with my parents and grandparents on our way to my brother’s new apartment.
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My kitten was fascinated the moment she saw the fly flying on the ceiling in the study.
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The feeling of hot blood in my veins when I took a big bite of food from the childhood restaurant I loved.
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While once I was walking on a curvy path with beautiful views, the sound was blowing in my ears.
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My dad’s the proper way to put the last piece in a 1000 piece puzzle that we completed at 3 in the morning.
These are my forever moments. My depressed brain tells me they’re not worth living for. They’re just like fireworks. One spark is not sufficient, but when many of them are gathered together, they can create a firework show on the Hudson River during the Fourth of July. Altogether, they produce a great spectacle.
It seems sparks fly every where when I am mindful. When I am awake, I am able to make them more often and do them at a certain time that they will make smiley faces or rockets. Together these moments keep me forever alive when the temporary pain becomes too unbearable to handle.
Practice Distress Tolerance
The intense exercise was one of my TIPP skills (temperatures, intense training, paced breath, paired muscular relaxation) that I learned in my Dialectical Behavioral Therapy group. It is the reason I am still alive.
Running makes me feel in control when my heart is beating out of my ribcage. I run in the park for twenty minutes when I feel out of control. I respond by making my heart beat faster to normalize the notion that more quickly does not necessarily mean worse.
Remember That Your Experiences are Real
Why do we call mental illness a “mental disease”? Just like heart disease affects the heart and lung disease affects the lungs, mental illness is about what happens in the brain. Some people think it’s not as “real” because it feels different. I tried to look happy by playing cheerful music in the morning and going to parties. I even put funny notes on my walls to make myself smile. But it’s not easy to just “cheer yourself up.” No one wants to go to the hospital or take time off from work.
The times I tried to be happy made me feel even worse. When I got back to my room, I felt tired and completely worn out. One day, while walking with friends, I twisted my ankle a few times. After that, I started feeling more physical problems. In just two weeks, I lost 8 pounds without trying. Even thinking about my favorite foods made me feel sick. I almost broke my laptop because I kept dropping things and spilling tea on my desk. My stomach hurt, and my hands would shake a lot. I couldn’t sleep for more than two hours at night. I took melatonin, but I still woke up in the night, struggling to breathe.
I felt stuck in a loop of not being able to sleep and feeling hungry all the time. I didn’t know what to do. Finally, my doctor did some blood tests, checked my stomach, and sent me to the lab to look for ulcers.
It has affected the whole of my body. This is not because I lack will power. If you’re struggling too, it is also not you. It is a long and difficult process – it is not a short or easy one. Your anger and suffering are not imagined.
Strengthen Your Mind and Body
Growing up I used to love Winnie the Pooh. Of course, the animals of the Hundred Acre Woods behaved foolishly most of the time. But I had one favorite quote.
Christopher Robin leaves Pooh a message I wish someone had said to me.
You are more robust, more intelligent, and braver than you think.
You are a true hero for being alive despite everything. You are more brave and more vital than you realize.